One of the Biggest Culprits of Stress & Anxiety and How to Stop it from Holding you Back
I believe a huge contribution to our anxieties and depression stems from unrealistic expectations of life itself. We enter this world as infants and grow into adults who naturally adopt beliefs about life, what it can offer us, and how to interact with it.
We develop a subconscious attachment to these ideas and expect certain outcomes for our future like love ever after, success and fulfillment from our jobs, security from working hard, acceptance from our community, and joy from our daily routines. Similarly, we develop an expectation around failure, hard work, rejections, and suffering from the nuances of life’s challenges and difficulties.
However, the attachments and expectations we have for the “good” things in life are what keep us stuck in stress and anxiety. We hope and believe these things will bring us peace, that they are the golden ticket, and that they will promise us a complete and rich life. And while they are all very realistic and possible outcomes, our attachment to them creates a dilemma with the natural laws and ways the world works.
As we grow older, we begin to realize the expectations we were promised, taught, or believed don’t happen. Rather, they underdeliver and fall short of what we were hoping for. For me, this happened with my occupational therapy career. In school, I learned and believed that this career path was going to be rewarding, opportunistic, exciting, and holistic. But, when I got into the field, I learned quickly that the other side of things was overshadowed and neglected. The levels of productivity, the patient caseload, the stress from management and insurance providers, not to mention the compassion fatigue and poorly compensated salary for difficult and overloaded work were things I wasn’t prepared for and didn’t expect.
This experience showed me just how much expectation I had on my career for providing me with a lifelong and fulfilling role I would enjoy for the rest of my life. But, I suppose that is part of the process many young people go through, especially when starting a new adventure like a job, relationship, or location.
The truth is the favorable expectations generally outweigh the unfavorable expectations—at least in the beginning. But, once the novelty wears off and the real truth is exposed, we are left feeling disappointed, bitter, frustrated, and underappreciated.
Now, I do believe there are several ways to approach expectations. First, we need to learn to be less attached and influenced by an outcome. Second, we need to look at both the good and the bad…. all possible scenarios. And third, I think we need to be more honest with ourselves about the expectations we may have in life and realize it’s control over our emotions and decisions.
Needless to say, we have to learn to accept the good with the bad, the highs with the lows, and the pain with the pleasure to free ourselves from the suffering from attachments and expectations that we have in life. I know for myself, my occupational therapy experience has taught me to understand and accept that sure, maybe it isn’t my FAVORITE thing to do or my IDEAL career choice, but it’s a job that helps me pay my bills, that is in high demand, and that I do from time to time. I have learned to give it less meaning in my life and now, I have little to no attachments and expectations to OT for giving me anything in life aside from monetary means. At this point, anything else is a bonus.
I enjoy reflecting on my role as an OT and how my attitude towards it has evolved over the last 10 years. What has helped me move from a place of stress, anxiousness, and bitterness with OT and towards being objective and unattached is a key concept in Buddhist philosophy, which reminds us that the roof of suffering is attachment.
The interesting thing I have noticed from listening to different people's stories and perspectives is that we believe our attachments and expectations will bring us the opposite of suffering. We cling to these subconscious expectations in hopes of receiving pleasure, success, and peace… when it is leading us to the opposite.
I find it a fascinating topic to unpack and look at from different angles because it just goes to show how much of our world is driven by these expectations and behaviors, whether we are aware of it or not.
Either way, we can gain clarity of our expectations through practicing self-awareness. There are several ways to practice self-awareness, but the idea is to observe rather than judge your thoughts and emotions toward outside influences. Considerably in our modern society, we may not be aware of the expectations we have of life because we are also concerned about the expectations we have on ourselves. While they seem the same, they are very different. Expectations we have in life are on a larger level. These are the overall themes and ideas we hold on to for our lifelong pursuits. For example, the pursuits of love, happiness, and success are all expectations (while not harmful) that we have in life that could inherently lead us to suffer if those expectations fall short or are unmet.
Conversely, the expectations we have of ourselves are the daily pressures and internal/external stressors that keep us accountable in our daily roles such as our expectations as an employee, wife, partner, friends, parent, etc. Again, these aren’t harmful expectations and they can keep us moving forward in life, but what can become harmful is the energy associated or “expected” in response to these actions.
Referring back to Buddhist philosophy, another Eastern traditional viewpoint I like to reference is karma and seva. Karma is the concept of cause and effect. This is the idea of putting in your full effort to a task without expectations or attachments to the outcome. Now, this isn’t to say you should do everything at 100 percent from day one because you have weeded out the tasks and unnecessary habits so you can direct focused energy towards productive and meaningful things. The other concept of seva refers to selfless actions and service to others. This is simply doing the right thing without expectation anything will be given back to you. For example, it could be smiling at someone without caring if they smile back or not. It could be holding the door for someone even if they didn’t hold it for you. It could also be forgiving someone even if they don’t forgive you.
These holistic, non-violent philosophies help us detach from the expectations we have of life, the relationships we have, and the situations that come our way. We begin to develop more internal peace and as a result more loving and accepting of life and the things we put meaning to.
Letting go of expectations can be a very confusing and difficult thing to do, but it does lead to a liberating and empowering experience in life. Additionally, releasing expectations by any means promotes a more peaceful and content way of living.
Here are some strategies to help you let go of expectations:
Cultivate Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness involves observing without judgment. When you notice expectations arising, acknowledge them without attaching undue importance.
Accept Impermanence: Understand that life is constantly changing, and situations may not unfold as expected. Embracing the impermanence of life can help you release the need for rigid expectations.
Focus on the Present Moment: Instead of dwelling on future outcomes, concentrate on the present moment. Engage fully in what you are doing right now, whether it's work, conversation, or a simple activity.
Set Realistic Intentions: Instead of rigid expectations, set realistic intentions. Intentions are flexible and guide your actions without imposing strict demands on the outcomes.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: When expectations lead to negative thoughts or feelings, challenge and reframe them. Consider alternative perspectives and adopt a more positive or neutral mindset.
Practice Gratitude: Cultivate gratitude for what you have in the present moment. Focusing on what you appreciate can shift your mindset away from unmet expectations.
Detach from Outcomes: Detach your sense of self-worth from external outcomes. Your value is not solely determined by whether expectations are met or not. Embrace self-compassion and self-love.
Communicate Clearly: In relationships or collaborative situations, communicate your needs and preferences clearly but be open to negotiation. Foster a shared understanding rather than rigid expectations.
Learn from Disappointments: Instead of viewing unmet expectations as failures, see them as opportunities for growth and learning. Reflect on the experience and consider how you can adjust your expectations in the future.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself when expectations are not met. Avoid self-blame and criticism. Recognize that everyone experiences unmet expectations, and it's a natural part of life.
Release Control: Acknowledge that you cannot control every aspect of life. Allow space for spontaneity and unforeseen opportunities. Surrendering the need for control can alleviate the pressure of expectations.
Mindful Breathing and Relaxation: When you feel expectations causing stress, practice mindful breathing or relaxation techniques. Deep, conscious breaths can help calm the nervous system and bring you back to the present moment.
Visualizations and Letting Go Rituals: Visualize yourself releasing expectations and letting them float away. Some people find value in physical rituals like writing down expectations and then ceremonially tearing or burning the paper.
While it may be logically easy to see that letting go of expectations creates more peace and harmony, it isn’t always the easiest to apply. This list of tools is only a starting point towards fully embodying “non-attachment” to the outcome. I suggest picking one or two of these techniques and seeing what comes up for you, knowing that this is a never-ending practice and a skill to maintain as life continues to evolve and present new situations and challenges to us.
For me personally, I am constantly asking myself and learning about the art of non-attachment not only for the daily thing I do in life but for the big picture and vision I have of myself.
We have a long way to go as a society to shift our expectations of life to be more non-attached, less offended, and more present but if we are honest with ourselves about our expectations, we can slowly let go of the things keeping us in unhealthy and cynical lifestyle loops and free ourselves to a life of graceful uncertainty.
That is it for now! There will be more explanation around this in my upcoming book and, I am so excited to keep sharing and learning more along the way.
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Molly
xoxo
