Are you addicted to self improvement? Unfortunately, this glorifying attribute can become toxic and unhealthy
Sometimes, I struggle to feel worthy and good enough in certain areas of my life, especially if I’m not actively working towards something. But over the last 10 years of my life, I made self improvement a priority. I pushed myself in fitness and in my wellbeing so that I could achieve the next level of success, becoming an inspiration and unstoppable. I became addicted to reaching peak performance measures and, I was relentless when it came to fitness. However, this intensity soon lead me down a path of self-judgment and dissociation with my body. The years of high performance and dedication soon led to exhaustion that forced me to take a step back and question my ambition.
Not only did I struggle to feel worthy and good enough, but I was addicted to self improvement for the wrong reasons. In most circumstances, self improvement is a positive trait that leads to a healthy self awareness and lifestyle habits. Generally, one seeks out self improvement when something in their life is no longer working and they want to develop new skills and habits to change it. But in my case, chasing improvement was turning into an endless goose hunt.
When I first started “working on myself,” my motive for self improvement was to help cope with my anxiety and depression. For this, I turned to exercise. As a former athlete, exercising was my way to off load stress and experience a natural high from the endorphins. Overtime, however, I developed an attachment to fitness which created more anxiety in my life. If I didn’t work out for a day, I was anxious. If i didn’t physically push myself, I critisized myself. I became so attached and addicted to improvement that the quality of my day depended on whether or not I worked out.
When I reached this point, I knew that this addiction was no longer healthy. I was pushing myself to prove to my own ego that I was good enough. In order for me to prove that, it needed to be the best. It needed to be extreme. In hindsight, I can see how this level of intensity didn’t help me advance; rather, it kept me running in circles (literally). My dedication to self improvement was not out of natural growth and evolution, but out of validation and approval.
My subconscious addiction to improvement created a belief that pleatueing is bad. If i’m not striving for the next level of my career, if i’m not seeking out physical challenges, if i’m not learning or studying something new, or if i’m not busy with my latest project, I will fall behind. I am wasting my energy. I am not being productive. All of these narratives reinforced a deep rooted belief that I am not good enough.
The attachment I had to improvement took away from enjoying the present moment. It took away from appreciation of what I have. And instead, it made me think that I need to be more, do more, and get more.
Unfortunately, society pressures and expectations also add to this belief. In our professional lives, we are bombarded with masterclasses, events, workshops, and incentives to take our career to the next level. We are conditioned to work hard and make something of ourselves; otherwise, we risk not being taken seriously or missing opportunities. In our personal lives, we may seek out designer materials and fancy vacations to prove our worth and “look good” to other people. We are driven by competition and comparison in our work and home life that puts pressure on us to prove our place in the world.
From a psychosocial stand point, participating in self improvement comes with a trade off and a reward. The trade offs are the things, ideas, habits, money, and relationships that are being given up, risked, or changed. The rewards are what you receive from the trade off. When seeking improvement or growth, most people have to give up or compromise on one area of their life in order to focus on a new direction, skill, or mastery.
For example, when I was improving my physical self through fitness, my relationships suffered. I stopped putting attention and energy into them because I was focused on my physical activity. Yet, I was rewarded with a natural high and compliments from people on my discipline. Another example is higher education or certifications. The trades off may be things like less time at home with family, less financial security, or less free time for hobbies. But, the rewards may bring you more work opportunities and a new social network. Because of the risk and reward theory, its important for each of us to consider if the implications of improvement to decide if it is truly worth it.
Reflecting on my own self improvement addiction has allowed me to notice when the reward I was seeking was approval: when you look at the word improvement, the root word is -prove. I was trying to prove myself; therefore, I was willing to give up sleep to workout. I was willing to give up date nights and social events that would interfere with my nutrition plan. I was willing to neglect rest so that I wouldn’t be called lazy. Now that I am aware of the trade-offs, I see how disordered my belief was and attachment to proving my own capabilities.
It is an interesting perspective to consider because I do believe self growth and exploration are essential. I do feel learning is important. I do feel we should strive to be our best no matter what peroid of our life we are in. But, I also believe that slowing down and experiencing the moment, enjoying where you are, and what you have are important as well. And in our world today, taking time to appreciate yourself can be a difficult thing to do.
This brings me back to the basics of establishing balance. Balance is a constant state of equilibrium. It is an ever changing balance of energy. Because life is constantly shifting and moving, so is balance. It is versatile and flexible along with the seasons of our life. When reflecting on self improvement, you may want to consider the balance you have between work and rest, learning and living and, challenge and comfort.
Whether it be pursuing higher education or doing an extreme hike, I make sure I am doing it for the right reasons. I can now discern when I am truly curious and hungry for the next adventure or if I am being tempted to prove my skills, abilities, and strength.
Creating an objective approach to self improvement allows you to have a more dynamic and hoslitic outlook on life. Instead of constantly worrying about the next thing or rushing to get ahead, you begin to “stop and smell the roses” as the saying goes. You develop an outlook on life that helps you 1) appreciate what you have and where you are at in your journey, 2) realize you’re worthy and deserving no matter what, 3) understand that there will always be more to learn, and 4) let go of trying to do it all, or all at once for that matter.
Understanding this about self improvement gives you permission to slow down and notice where you came from. It helps you appreciate others in your life. And as the other clique saying goes, “it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.”
So, how do you know if what you are doing it for yourself verses others? How do you know if you’re addicted to self improvement and may just need to slow down.
I always suggest starting with an internal dialogue. Ask youself these questions. Feel free to talk them out with a trusted friend or write them out in a journal.
Why am I doing this? Get to the root motivation. Who are you doing this for, why, and what is the toll it takes on your body?
Am I trying to prove something? Notice if you are trying to prove something to someone, or even yourself.
What do I enjoy about this process? If it doesn’t bring you some form of enjoyment, is it really worth it?
How can I slow down and be more present? Slowling down and being grateful can take the pressure off of seeking more.
These powerful questions can get to the root motivators of your self improvement. Your answers will guide you towards the self awareness you need to stop doing things that don’t feel good for you and start doing things that add more peace, joy, and value to your life.
If you enjoyed this post, please be sure to like, comment, and share with your community. I believe we need more conversations around toxic self improvement and tools to detach from the chase and align with our true values. For personal support and guidance, please visit my services page to see if my supportive insights can help you on your journey.
Until next time,
Molly
